Editorial
Front Page - Friday, October 9, 2009
Are We There Yet?
The body electric
Jay Edwards
Why do we pay for psychotherapy when massages cost half as much? —Jason Love
Because I am on vacation this week in sunny Florida (raining!) I’ve decided to be lazy and just make a few comments on an e-mail sent to me by “Kingbossdaddy” Davis about the wonders of the human body, which, when you reach my age, isn’t all that wondrous anymore.
I speak from experience, and from the fact that after playing 18 holes of golf at age 50 my body feels like it used to after two-a-day football practices.
Anyway, here are some facts you may or may not know about these vessels we get to walk around in. And for all I know, they might not even be facts.
1. Scientists say the higher your I.Q., the more you dream.
Last week I had two different dreams in the same night, and in both, Kathy, my wife, was leaving me (probably because of my low I.Q.). Then another night I dreamed I was being arrested for being illegally parked, but before the cop took me in I had to climb through the window of a house with him where inside there was a zombie on the couch that woke up and started talking to me. If anyone has a clue as to the meanings of these I would love to know, unless of course it’s bad.
2. The largest cell in the human body is the female egg.
Which brings up the obvious question – Do embryos dream?
3. The smallest cell is the male sperm.
I know what you’re thinking. Please send me any of your good comments and if I won’t print them I will forward them on to The Free Press for you.
4. You use 200 muscles to take one step.
As Judge Randy Morley used to say to me when we were playing golf – “I’m so tired.”
5. The average woman is 5 inches shorter than the average man.
Not that I think of us as average, but I am 6’ 3” and Kathy is 5’ 10”. Maybe if I had been taller in those dreams she wouldn’t have left me.
6. Your big toes have two bones each while the rest have three.
He’s not “The Big Toe” for nothing.
7. A pair of human feet contains 250,000 sweat glands.
I wonder how many a pair of human armpits has? Anyway, please wash your socks every day; Dr. Scholl isn’t a miracle worker.
8. A full bladder is roughly the size of a soft ball.
Cool
9. The acid in your stomach is strong enough to dissolve razor blades.
Good to know if you’re ever stranded overnight in a Gillette factory.
10. The human brain cell can hold five times more information than the Encyclopedia Britannica.
Welcome to this planet of underachievers.
11. It takes the food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
Unless you’re eating razor blades.
12. The average human dream lasts 2 to 3 seconds.
Enough with the average already! I know it took Kathy longer than that to say she was leaving.
13. Men without hair on their chests are more likely to get cirrhosis of the liver than men with hair.
So bald drunks really have a problem.
14. At the moment of conception, you spent about half an hour as a single cell.
God’s last gift of privacy.
15. There are about 1 trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Sweaty little buggers, aren’t they?
16. Your body gives off enough heat in 30 minutes to bring half a gallon of water to a boil.
Again, cool.
17. The enamel in your teeth is the hardest substance in your body.
Again, no comment.
18. Your teeth start developing (in your gums) 6 months before you are born.
Do you remember where you were the first time you heard the word “toofus?”
19. When you are looking at someone you love, your pupils dilate, they do the same when you are looking at someone you hate.
Unless you smell their feet while you’re eating razor blades.
20. Blondes have more hair than dark-haired people.
“Gleamin flaxen-waxen.” In case you’re curious, Kathy is a brunette.
21. Your thumb is the same length as your nose.
The e-mail ends here, which seems a good place. It also says that you now have your thumb pressed against your nose, checking to see if they are in fact equal in length. Whether or not that is the case, I wish you a healthy and happy week.
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