Hamilton Herald Masthead


Front Page - Friday, March 20, 2015

Are We There Yet?

News stuff.

John Glasgow’s body, inside his clothing, was found last Tuesday near where his skull had been found the week before. Searchers also found his wallet, driver’s license and a credit card. The Conway County sheriff, Mike Smith, said the investigation was now done. And when asked if the case was now a criminal one, Smith said, “absolutely not.” Perhaps one of you legal types out there could tell me, if that’s the case, why are they sending the remains to the state Crime Lab for further investigation?

Smith also said that the discovery would hopefully bring peace to the Glasgow family. I hope so too. And it looks like this will remain forever one of the state’s most famous mysteries. But one never knows.

Another mystery was the source of a cry for help rescuers heard coming from inside a partially submerged vehicle, in the frigid Spanish Fork River in Salt Lake City. The voice they heard was a female, and everyone heard it. Inside the car they found a body, 25-year old Jennifer Groesbeck, and her 18-month old daughter who had survived for 13 hours in the car and is now recovering in a hospital. 

Another miracle happened to Sheena Keynna, who walked in front of a freight train while she was texting; never a good idea. She escaped with only a broken arm.

Python Puffs. A guy in Australia got ready for his morning cereal fix and was a little surprised to find a 7-foot python inside the box. He said when he peeked inside and the reptile popped his head out, he dropped the box and ran out the door. I’d be with him there. And I guess he bought the jumbo size at a Sydney Sam’s Club. A seven-footer would never squeeze into my box of Grape Nuts Flakes. 

If you’re rich and in Finland you may want to slow down. Fins base fines for speeding on how much money you make. One millionaire found out the hard way, when he was charged $60,000 for going 64 in a 50 mph zone. 

Over in South America, a college art teacher was granted permission to legally change her name to the entire alphabet. Her first name is ABCDEFGHIJKLMN, middle is OPQRST and last, UVWXYZ. She said she did it to remain anonymous. Now everyone just calls her 26.

Where Wolf? A Georgia legislator introduced a human animal hybrid bill, which is designed to keep mad scientists from combining genes of man and beast. Rep. Tom Kirby told constituents that one of his purposes was to prevent labs from inventing werewolves. “But if they already exist, that’s fine,” he said.

Bagley vs. Bagley. Barbara Bagley of Utah has been given permission by the courts to sue herself for negligence over the death of her husband in a 2011 auto accident. She was driving their Range Rover and rolled the SUV. Her husband did not survive. Now she’s looking for insurance damages. “The jury will be highly confused,” said insurance company lawyer. We are too.

News out of Oklahoma not having to do with a fraternity. Some Oklahoma legislators are trying to keep AP U.S. history classes out of public schools, claiming they teach only the negatives about our country. They do not teach “American exceptionalism,” the bill’s sponsors say.

Finally, some guy in London was in a hurry and pushed and cursed another guy on the subway. The pusher was stressed because he was late for a job interview. When he got there he was a little discouraged to find his job interviewer was… you guessed it, the same guy he had bullied on the train. Hope he had other interviews scheduled.

Source: The Week

Jay Edwards is editor-in-chief of the Hamilton County Herald and an award-winning columnist. Contact him at jedwards@dailydata.com.