Hamilton Herald Masthead


Front Page - Friday, March 6, 2015

Are We There Yet?

This column was originally published in the Hamilton County Herald on Feb. 28, 2014.

I have been neglecting my email spam folder, so this week, finding myself with a few rare spare moments, I decided to skim through and see if anything important had slipped through, like that gazillionaire Nigerian who has no family or friends.

The folder was in alphabetical order, and I started at the top, which was actually at the end. But before the Z’s, there were the Chinese emails. At least I think that’s what they were. No need to spend much time with those as my Mandarin is somewhat rusty, or ??.

I didn’t see anything of interest in the Z’s. Some guy calling himself “Zack Attack Childress” wanted me to meet him in Vegas. I racked my brain trying to remember if I had a fraternity brother named Zack Attack, but it’s vague at best. A few lines later, Zack Attack was offering a “Quick Cash System for Just $7,” but I guess I have to meet him in Vegas to get in on that.

Almost every sender in the Y’s began with the word “Your.”

“Your Credit Scores, Your Cigar Delivery,” and even one reading “Your Long Lost Child.” I didn’t open that one but will always wonder if he’s Nigerian.

No X’s.

The W’s were busy, though, and I immediately noticed someone called “Weekend Cheater.” Sorry, can’t tell you what it said in the subject line. There were some Warranty companies and a few from Walgreens and one from Walmart about an “express shipping failure.”

After the W’s, someone named Virginia sent me “A New You – Pure Phytoceramides.” I Googled Phytoceramides and found it’s an oral medication that gets rid of wrinkles. I accidentally opened the email, and there were before and after photos of Martha Stewart. I was guessing the “after” was after she popped a few Phytoceramides. And if that after photo of her was real, then I need to place an order.

After the VIP Stock Reports came Vincent, who wanted to give me cash for my home. Then Victor Frank, who said in his subject line, “I Really Want To Show You A Few Things.” Then Vicky just said “Happy Birthday,” but that came in on Feb. 22, and since I’m a Taurus, I moved on.

Verizon asked me next for an information update, and then Vanessa topped Vincent by offering me an “insane cash offer” for my home. KM and I love where we live, but if we can get insane cash, we would probably move.

The U’s began with a slew from the USA Rice Federation, followed by someone called Urgent Video.

In the T’s, Tuesday Dish’s subject was “Martha Stewart Releases These Pics and Angers Her Doctors.” Since I’m a Phytoceramide expert, I took a look. No pics this time though. What it said was “See what she did to go from looking 71 years old to 35 in a short amount of time!”  But I already knew, so I moved on.

Top Schools for Nursing told me I, too, could be a nurse. On Jan. 30, Thursday Trend told me I could “Drop 22 pounds before Valentine’s Day.” Why 22? I wondered. Why not 20, or 25?

Suzanne Somers wanted to show me how to “Fight Fat For Only $4 a Week!” And Speed Date said I could “Instantly Chat With Singles on Facebook.”

After only getting through eight letters (well, nine if

you count the Chinese), I was worn out.

One more, from Sophia, whose subject was “Here’s a joke I’ve been working on.” I opened it, and there really was a joke.

What do lawyers wear to court?

Answer: Lawsuits

Thanks Sophia. You made it all worthwhile.

Jay Edwards is editor-in-chief of the Hamilton County Herald and an award-winning columnist. Contact him at jedwards@dailydata.com.