Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. – Horace
Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house. – Lewis Grizzard
I think the question should have been, “What’s one thing about your husband that drives you crazy?” I know what most of you ladies are thinking, “Just one?”
It really doesn’t matter how the question was phrased, the point is it was loaded with potential disaster. It was asked at a family event a few years ago. Ours was a get-together with couples from my wife’s side; however, since I’ve known them all for 35 years, we pretty well have blended together to where there are no sides, just a top and bottom. But I’ll get back to the question later.
We first decided to play a beanbag toss into the mouth of a hog. Spouses were paired up for the horse-shoe like competition, and KM and I won our first match but lost in the semis, putting the hosts, Bob and Lisa, against John and Don (who are actually brothers, not spouses; although they were called much worse by everyone during the heat of battle).When the smoke cleared, it was in fact those non-spouse brothers who’d come out on top.
It was then time for round two – a game of questions made up by sister Peggy about things only people who’d been brought up as one of the ten siblings could possibly know. KM, the youngest, was born in the last weeks of December 1956, and I wasn’t introduced to everyone until the summer of ‘75, so I didn’t have much hope in getting any right answers. Therefore, I focused on sarcasm, which would win me a dollar for, as Peggy announced, having the most creative answers. KM won this game.
Then it was time for the third and last game, called something like, “How well do you really know the person you are married to?” Or, “Guys, get ready to be killed tonight while you sleep.”
The guys went first.
Question 1: “What is your wife’s favorite food?” Tough start. I said coconut cream pie, but KM would later answer spaghetti. We were already behind.
Question 2: “What is your wife’s favorite movie?” Not sure I would have known this either, but just before the women left the room, KM whispered, “To Kill a Mockingbird,” so either she brilliantly assumed this would be a question, or she cheated by sneaking a peek beforehand.
Question 3: “What did you do on your first date?” I nailed it – we saw the movie “Shampoo.”
Question 4: Name something less than honest you know your wife has done. (See the answer to question two.)
When it was the guy’s turn to leave the room, our team was in the middle of the pack and needed to get every one right to have any chance. I tried peeking through the window (making KM proud) but got caught by the more honest ones in the group.
Question 1: “If you could get rid of anything your husband owns, what would it be?” I thought I might know, but after thinking a bit came up with a whole list of things and began stalling. Finally pressured to give an answer, I blurted out, “GUS!” – my Cairn terrier. That was not her answer, which at least made me happy for Gus. No, her answer was, “Your white bucks.”
It was shocking and sad, and I haven’t worn them since.
Jay Edwards is editor-in-chief of the Hamilton County Herald and an award-winning columnist. Contact him at jedwards@dailydata.com.