Our HR manager sent the name of our new primary care physician, who is Asian. I had some questions about diet and exercise, and was able to get Dr. Yu So Fat on the phone Wednesday afternoon. The conversation went something like this.
Me: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
Dr. Fat: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually.
Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Me: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
Dr. Fat: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Me: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Dr. Fat: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Me: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
Dr. Fat: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain – good!
Me: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
Dr. Fat: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Me: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
Dr. Fat: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Me: Is chocolate bad for me?
Dr. Fat: You clazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Me: Is swimming good for your figure?
Dr. Fat: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Me: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
Dr. Fat: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!
Well, I hope this clear up stupidity you have about exercise and diet. Have nice day.”
“Not so fast, Fat,” I said. “I need advice on how to live a long and healthy life.”
“You want advice, read fortune cookie.”
“I WANT THE TRUTH!”
“OK, Top Gun, calm down and know this. Japanese eat little fat and have less heart attacks than Americans. Mexicans eat lot fat and have less heart attacks than Americans.
Chinese drink little red wine and have less heart attacks than Americans. Italians drink lot red wine and have less heart attacks than Americans. Germans drink lot of beer and eat lot of fat sausage and have less heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat, drink what you like. Speaking English what kills you.”
(I know, I know, you’ve seen this before in an email. Well, Dr. Fat must have recorded our conversation and then transcribed and emailed it. Yeah, transcribed and emailed, that’s the ticket.)
•••
I received an email on Monday from pal Jim Julian, who’s in Destin for the week. It was a photo of the demolition of the old Holiday Inn’s round high-rise on Highway 98. I stayed in it in 1977 on a fraternity/sorority college trip when it was called the Hawaiki. My fraternity, the Phi Delts, had won the trip by raising the most money among all the frat houses for diabetes. The Pi Phis had come in first for the girls. So we reserved rooms at the Hawaiki, telling the manager about our good deeds so he would take special care of us.
Our second morning there, the manager called and asked some of us to meet him in the lobby. We did, and he informed us we were much too loud and they were kicking us out. Then he said, “Frankly, when you made the reservation, we understood that you were a Diabetic Convention who needed rooms.”