It is calm and quiet in my little cubicle on the 23rd floor. Many of the lawyers have fled the Levison Towers for their homelands. Those with young children have wrestled kid, caboodle, and electronic whatsit into minivans. Young associates are off to get a decent meal at mom’s and eat without worrying (at least momentarily) about lost billing opportunities while they chew. They’ve all left behind cases, clients, and Christmas decorations.
I’m still in town hustling to get yearend things finished. If your name is Virginia, if you like to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life”, or if you generally just get warm fuzzies thinking about this time of year; DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. (If you like “Grandma got Runned over by a Reindeer,” you can take your chances.)
If you’re still with me, I welcome you into my deepest darkest secret. I hate Christmas. To be fair, it isn’t just Christmas that I hate. I can’t stand Hanukkah. Kwanzaa irritates me. If I had half an idea what Ramadan was, I would hate it, too.
I won’t be tying sticks to my dog’s head and stealing Cindy Lu Who’s candycane. My office is relatively warm and my staff gets paid holiday time. I am not belligerent in my hatred. I just hate Christmas.
Christmas cards
Christmas cards are an opportunity for folks who haven’t spoken to me all year to let me know they’re better than I am. They’ve taken the time to address and sign colorful pieces of cardboard which they lovingly purchased in bulk. (Except for the email cards, which say, “I cared enough to hit ‘send.’” It’s a lot of work to send out Christmas cards. I haven’t sent out Christmas cards since 1993. Each time I open a Christmas card, I feel guilty that I haven’t been a better friend to the folks who send warm wishes my way. And thanks for the pictures of your kids – they remind me that I am at the office instead of spending more time with my own children.
Happy holidays
This is the greeting of the politically correct who feel obligated to say something nice to you around the holidays, but don’t feel strong enough in their own particular faith to stick their neck out with a “Merry Christmas,” or “Happy Hanukkah”. “Happy holidays” is the greenbean casserole of all greetings. I have a friend who returns every “Merry Christmas” he receives with a “Happy Festivus” just for shock value. I have an atheist friend who proudly says “Happy Solstice.” On top of all that, “Happy holidays” is simply bad grammar. At least say “Have a happy holiday,” or “Have some happy holidays.”
Gift giving
This is one of the most offensive customs of this whole stupid season. The idea that we celebrate the birth of Christ (or X for those who celebrate Xmas) by buying gifts for other people for whom we would buy gifts anyway is a tradition born of mercantilism. I love to buy gifts for my friends and family. Actually, I love to see them open gifts – the actual selection process is agonizing. Trying to rush to the stores and buy and wrap gifts while running a business makes for long days in December. (Note to my lovely wife: Yes, I realize I could shop throughout the year. I’m busy then, too.)
If history portrays Jesus Christ accurately, I can’t believe he would have condoned or put his name on our shopping frenzies. Kicking off the shopping season with a “Black Thursday” is the only truthful promise we get in the stores. Wouldn’t everyone enjoy a gift just as much if they got it during the holiday barren late spring/early summer months?
Vacation time
There is nothing more misleading than the notion that a few days off from work makes us feel more relaxed. They don’t. We return to our desks covered in mail, pending motions and angry phone messages. The five days following a four-day weekend require me to spend about as much time in the office as I just got out of it. Maybe more. Staggered vacations mean that phone tag games extend twice as long as they should. A mutually acceptable date on the December schedule of two or more lawyers and one judge is more elusive than the Higgs boson. While I’m generally opposed to vacations, they are worse when everybody takes them at the same time. Like at Christmas.
I also hate the automatic “out of the office till next year” emails I get when I email friend or foe during the holiday season. Yes, yes, you are off someplace wonderful and I am here working. I get it.
Fruitcakes
I’m not just talking about big brown circles of faux pastry with green and bright red squares of gelatinous “fruit”. There is also crazy Aunt Glenda who brings in the fruitcake. Having both of these in one place produces a synergistic fruitcake effect. When Aunt Glenda finally leaves, I am so relieved that I often forget what I’m eating and bite the other fruit cake. Green and bright red gelatinous fruit is dental floss resistant.
Lest you think, Gentle Reader, that some happy ending is in the offing, I assure you there is none. You could call my office to complain about my negativity surrounding the nativity, but no one will answer the phone. Our receptionist took off Friday to celebrate her holiday. The rest of my staff will be off Monday. I will make spot appearances throughout the weekend and grumble that the mail isn’t running. I will probably take a swipe at the various holiday cards scattered around. I may even punt a Christmas tree ornament. I wish you a happy holiday season. But I hate Christmas.
©2011 under analysis llc. under analysis is a nationally syndicated column of the Levison Group. Spencer Farris is the founding partner of The S.E. Farris Law Firm in St Louis, Missouri. While he wishes you a Merry Christmas, said wish contains no warranty, express or implied, that you will indeed experience same. Comments or criticisms about this column may be sent c/o this newspaper or directly to the Levison Group via email at comments@levisongroup.com.