In the new film, “Immortals,” director Tarsem Singh tells a story about how man once defended the Greek gods from the Titans, evil beings who are as powerful as the gods. Singh intended every frame of his movie to evoke the qualities of a Renaissance painting, and “Immortals” is gorgeous.
But his slack and boring story might put you to sleep, causing you to miss the film’s only pleasure. Calling “Immortals” boring is an act of generosity. Calling it head-clutchingly dull would be more accurate. I struggled to pay attention so I could provide the readers of this column with plot details, but as it turned out, I could have dozed off and not missed much.
Singh begins “Immortals” with back-story that promises a more exciting tale. Eons before the creation of man, the gods and the Titans fought a fierce battle in the heavens. It ended with the Olympians defeating the Titans and locking them up inside Mount Tartarus. Years later, man has populated Earth, and King Hyperion declares war on everyone. To ensure his victory, he sets out to find the Epirus Bow, a legendary weapon the god Ares created that would allow Hyperion to free the Titans from their prison and take revenge on the Olympians.
Because it’s against the law for the gods to intervene in the affairs of man, it’s up to Theseus, a slave, to stop Hyperion. The priestess Phaedra and a thief named Stavros join him on his quest to protect his home and save the gods. That might read like enough material on which to build a two-hour movie, but it fills only the first five minutes. Singh then launches into a dreary 90-minute build up to the climax.
If you decide to see “Immortals,” do yourself a favor: arrive an hour late, buy a ticket, get some popcorn and a drink, slowly make your way to the theater, find a seat, sit down and slip on your 3D glasses, and you’ll arrive in time to enjoy the final showdown without having to endure any of the tedious slog up to that point. To be fair, the final 30 minutes are intense. Singh establishes combat on three fronts and cuts between them at regular intervals. In a small room, Theseus and Hyperion drop their weapons, remove their armor and engage in a brutal fistfight; in a long corridor leading through a fortified wall, the armies the two men had assembled hold on to their weapons and armor, and make good use of them; and deep within Tartarus, the gods and the Titans relive the good old days.
The struggle between Theseus and Hyperion is notable only for how Singh allows one of the combatants to come within a final blow of killing his challenger and then turns the tables on the ostensible victor. There’s no ingenuity in the choreography, just relentless pummeling. The same goes for the soldiers clashing in the tunnel. But the altercation between the gods and the Titans is astonishing.
Picture this: a god comes up against three Titans. He quickly executes a few moves, and all three of his enemies slowly propel backward through the air. He then moves rapidly from Titan to Titan, slicing and dicing each one into meaty bits. In another shot, a female god slides along the ground to trip up her challenger, does a 180 as she stands up, and knocks him to the ground. These moves are not only beautifully choreographed, they look incredible in 3D.
If Singh had put as much energy and creativity into the story as he had the visuals, “Immortals” would have been an instant classic. As it stands, I can’t even recommend the movie on the strength of its climactic encounter. Even as the fight rages on three fronts, there’s no emotional connection between the audience and what’s taking place on the screen because Singh has failed to create a single character about which the audience cares. As visually compelling as “Immortals” is, it’s still an empty, soulless experience. Save your time and money.
Rated R for strong, bloody violence, and a scene of sexuality. Two stars out of four. Email David Laprad at dlaprad@hamiltoncountyherald.com.