Have you ever had fast-food regret? I’m not talking about the regret that sets in when your digestive system files a formal complaint after you consume 1.2 pounds of greasy, processed substances masquerading as food. I mean the wave of horror that hits the moment you’re locked into a slow-moving drive-thru, boxed in by curbs and traffic, with no way out but through.
Such was the fate my wife and I accepted when we pulled into the drive-thru on the second night of business at Chattanooga’s first Whataburger, located on the former site of Wally’s Restaurant on Ringgold Road. Lured by the hype, we rolled in at 7 p.m. and immediately claimed the last spot in one of two parallel lines of cars that snaked through the parking lot and wrapped around the back of the building toward the glowing order boards.
The scene looked less like a fast-food opening and more like I-75 at rush hour, circa peak construction, minus the option of an exit ramp. When the restaurant staff finally handed us our sacks of food one hour and 45 minutes later, we were changed people.
“Wait a minute,” you’re likely thinking. “If the line was that long, why did you pull in?”
Call it a momentary lapse of judgment. We saw the ocean of red brake lights as we approached the parking lot on Ringgold Road. But in my naivete, I said, “It’s probably like Chick-fil-A, where the line looks long but it goes fast,” and then promptly claimed the last available spot before the line spilled onto the road.
About 10 seconds later, my wife said, “This is a bad idea.” But by then, it was too late. Another car had already pulled in behind us, sealing our fate for the evening.
Plus, I’d fallen victim to the hype. In the months leading up to the opening of Whataburger in Chattanooga, you’d have thought a Buc-ee’s was opening its doors, not a fast-food restaurant with a limited menu. “Fever pitch” doesn’t begin to cover it.
All of this led me to believe the food would be not just good, or even great, but phenomenal. The fast-food equivalent of the Second Coming. A hamburger’s take on winning the Mega Millions. The kind of meal people would be talking about years from now.
But no.
Don’t get me wrong: Whataburger makes a good burger. The 100% beef patty is cooked fresh, after you order it, which already puts it ahead of any fast-food chain that treats burgers like heat-lamped hockey pucks. I once ate a Wendy’s burger so tepid the cheese was still refrigerator-cold – a culinary choice I do not recommend. That was not my experience at Whataburger. The cheese arrived properly melted, draped over the beef as nature intended.
What’s more, the condiments are fresh – not exactly a high bar – and the bun is generously sized.
But have you ever eaten a Sonic burger? Flavor-wise, we’re in the same neighborhood, maybe with Whataburger edging ahead by a nose. And Sonic locations, unlike Whataburger, are already scattered all over Chattanooga.
The fries are good, too, though curiously reminiscent of McDonald’s fries, as if someone copied the homework but changed just enough to avoid getting caught. When our bag of food was finally thrust into the car, the smell of fast-food grease was so potent it overpowered the fake cherry air freshener we’d just received at the car wash.
My wife raved about the patty melt, but like me, concluded it was not nearly good enough to justify the wait.
Which brings us full circle. Whataburger officially opened Jan. 26, with only the drive-thru available. What my wife and I wound up in the week before was a soft opening. Will the line still be a factor by the time you read this? You’re welcome to find out for yourself.
You won’t see me there. I’d rather walk on stilts through a lightning storm with forks clenched between my teeth than endure that line again. And even then, it’s not the kind of food we’re willing to drive across town to eat.
So, if you decide to check out Whataburger, take some advice from someone who’s been there and lived to tell the tale: prepare yourself.
First, drain your bladder. With the dining room closed, getting stuck mid-line when nature calls is very much a you problem.
Second, stop at McDonald’s or Burger King down the street and grab something to eat. You’re going to want sustenance for the journey ahead.
Third, bring ample entertainment. My wife and I ultimately completed our Bible study for the day because we ran out of alternatives. (Yes, I know how that sounds.) In the time we spent inching forward, we could have watched “The Squid and the Whale,” “Election,” “Badlands” or “The Bridge,” arriving at the drive-thru window just as the credits began to roll.
Lastly, don’t go alone. Misery loves company, and it helps to have someone with you when morale starts to dip. If your chosen companion looks at you suspiciously when you ask them to join you, tell them to imagine the simple joys ahead – like spotting out-of-state license plates while crawling toward the order board at a glacial pace.
Whether my wife and I reached that level of desperation will go unpublished.
Whataburger is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week. A breakfast menu is also available.