Believe it or not, there was a time when we didn’t have every Thanksgiving tip and trick available at the click of a mouse or the swipe of a finger.
We had to gather our Turkey Day knowledge the old-fashioned way: by watching television.
Nearly every year, Very Special Episodes of our favorite network series gave us subtle instructions on how (or more often, how not) to celebrate the festive, food-filled day.
So we at the Herald felt it was important to take this moment between the onslaught of political ads and the onslaught of Christmas-themed ads (oh, wait, we’re already there?) to resurface some Thanksgiving lessons you might not have absorbed while you were bathed in the warm blue glow of a cathode-ray tube.
Lesson No. 1 – Know thy bird and maybe avoid it? (WKRP in Cincinnati, “Turkeys Away,” 1978)
This might be the episode that immediately jumps to mind when one thinks “Thanksgiving TV episode.”
Mostly hapless station manager Arthur Carlson arranges a Thanksgiving promotion involving live turkeys dropped from a helicopter. The birds plummet to the ground, causing chaos below. The Hindenburg-esque commentary from on-the-scene reporter Les Nessman is appropriately histrionic and hysterical. Carlson’s immortal punch line: “As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly,” is one for the history books.
The takeaway is maybe, just maybe, let professionals help you with your Thanksgiving event planning.
In this case, we suggest leaving the aerial acrobatics to the birds and turning to the professionals at Main Street Meats on Chattanooga’s Southside.
The butcher shop and restaurant is offering Thanksgiving turkeys from Joyce Farms, including all-natural free-range birds, organic turkey breasts and Heritage Black turkeys, available fresh, brined or smoked.
You can also round out your feast with sides such as bacon cornbread dressing, mashed potatoes, mac and cheese and candied yams.
Orders for brined or smoked birds must be placed by Nov. 19, so don’t wait until the last minute to get your turkey off the ground.
Lesson No. 2 – He gave him the knife! (The West Wing, “Shibboleth,” 2000)
This one is your scribe’s personal favorite.
After running his personal aide Charlie Young ragged trying to find a new carving knife, President Josiah Bartlet gifts Young his family’s heirloom blade. Charlie notes the “PR” on the handle and is perplexed, since he thinks he knows all the modern manufacturers. Bartlet: “These were made for my family by a Boston silversmith named Paul Revere. I’m proud of you, Charlie.”
If that doesn’t cause a throat lump, then god, Jed, I don’t even want to know you.
All Sorkinisms aside, the need for a well-designed, well-maintained knife for turkey carving and other purposes is never more important than at this time of year, whether or not you’re planning to bequeath your blade anytime soon.
You might not find a carving knife made by Paul Revere, but the folks at Good Kinsmen in downtown Chattanooga can certainly help you find one worthy of becoming a family heirloom.
This locally owned kitchenware shop carries a selection of high-end cutlery from brands such as Wüsthof, Shun, Zwilling and Victorinox, along with cookware, utensils and other culinary essentials.
And if your trusty old carving knife has lost its edge, Good Kinsmen offers professional sharpening services for $2 per inch, with a typical turnaround of three to five days. Just don’t expect President Bartlet to show up and make the presentation.
Lesson No. 3 – Maybe this is not the best time to test your dessert-making skills. (Friends, “The One Where Ross Got High,” 1999)
Questions about how marginally employed GenX twentysomethings could afford an apartment the size of Monica and Rachel’s aside, “Friends” had several Thanksgiving episodes over its lengthy run.
While we could pull any number of lessons from the gang’s holiday disasters (who puts an entire turkey on their head, really?), Rachel’s trifle mishap underscores the importance of both reading the recipe ultra-carefully and maybe letting somebody else deal with perhaps the meal’s most important course.
Rachel accidentally combining the recipes for an English trifle and shepherd’s pie, producing a dessert containing custard, jam, fruit, ladyfingers, beef, peas and onions generates one of the series’ biggest laugh-out-loud moments, as Ross exclaims, “It tastes like feet!” (Omnivore Joey, of course, loves it.)
Other than encouraging one to read the recipes multiple times before even starting (and definitely checking for fused-together pages), might we suggest contacting a professional when it comes to your holiday’s baked goods needs?
Rachel’s infamous trifle offers a compelling argument for leaving Thanksgiving dessert to the professionals. Fortunately, the folks at Pie R Square in Red Bank know their way around a pie.
This locally owned specialty bakery is taking preorders for its scratch-made, 9-inch Thanksgiving pies, with selections ranging from traditional holiday favorites to more adventurous creations.
The shop also offers 4-inch personal pies for those who prefer not to share. Orders for Thanksgiving pies must be placed by Nov. 18, with pickup available Nov. 24, noon-7 p.m., or Nov. 25, noon-5 p.m.
And don’t worry: While Pie R Square makes both sweet and savory pies, we’re confident the bakers know better than to combine the two.
Lesson No. 4 – Keep the appetizers coming. (Cheers, “Thanksgiving Orphans,” 1986)
This was “friendsgiving” before “friendsgiving” was a thing.
Granted, we don’t think too many “friendsgiving” celebrations over the years have devolved into epic food fights, much less ones filmed before a live studio audience.
The “Cheers” regulars gather at Carla’s house for Thanksgiving. The turkey takes an eternity to cook, tensions mount and the gathering descends into a sides-throwing free-for-all where we’re still surprised no one got injured.
The obvious takeaway here is to feed people before they get hungry enough to revolt and endanger your finest place settings. A thoughtfully crafted appetizer spread can keep guests happy and docile while the turkey finishes cooking.
If you’d rather not have your Thanksgiving gathering devolve into a food fight worthy of “Cheers,” consider keeping your guests occupied with a spread from Bleu Fox Cheese Shop on Chattanooga’s Southside.
This locally owned specialty shop offers more than 100 artisan cheeses from around the world, along with cured meats, olives, crackers and other gourmet accompaniments.
Its ready-to-serve cheese and charcuterie platters range from a small party platter serving 8-12 people for $105 to a large platter serving 16-20 for $235. Just set one out while the turkey finishes cooking, and your guests might be too busy grazing to start throwing mashed potatoes.
Lesson No. 5 – Don’t order inebriated (The Bob Newhart Show, “Over the River and Through the Woods,” 1975)
Perhaps the primary lesson to be learned here is “Don’t be afraid to go unconventional,” but we stand on the idea of not trying to place a to-go order while completely blitzed, Thanksgiving-time or otherwise.
In this episode, Bob and his compatriots spend Thanksgiving without adequate adult supervision, and the dangerous combo of drinking, football and attempting to order Chinese food over the phone becomes one of the show’s classic sequences. You’ll never hear the phrase “moo goo gai pan” or see a person attempt to hang up the phone the same way again.
This also echoes the “friendsgiving” idea of there being nothing wrong with Chinese takeout, pizza or another unconventional meal for your Thanksgiving repast, particularly for people celebrating without a large family gathering.
But for safety’s sake, consider putting your order in the day before and learning how to properly reheat via the wonders of Chef Mike (or the microwave for the “Kitchen Nightmares” avoiders among us). Also, don’t dial drunk.
If you’re thinking of ditching the traditional Thanksgiving feast in favor of Chinese takeout, we suggest Hong Kong Chinese Restaurant in East Brainerd.
This family-owned establishment has been serving Chattanooga for more than 25 years, offering an extensive menu of Chinese-American favorites, including General Tso’s chicken, Mongolian beef, lo mein and fried rice. And yes, for fans of “The Bob Newhart Show,” they even have moo goo gai pan, so you can recreate Bob’s memorable ordering experience without the accompanying intoxication.
Just remember to place your order while you’re still capable of operating a telephone.
Lesson No. 6 – You don’t have to accept every invitation. (Gilmore Girls, “A Deep-Fried Korean Thanksgiving,” 2002)
The general advice of “pace yourself” is viable every single day, especially on a day with the opportunity for so much food.
On this episode, Lorelai and Rory attempt to attend four Thanksgiving dinners, while Sookie watches in horror as Jackson takes over the turkey preparation and deep-fries the bird.
(23 years ago, the availability of deep-fried bird wasn’t as prevalent as it is today, but still, the local culinarian should have been a bit more open to an alternative preparation. Just sayin’.)
The takeaway is if you’re feeding a crowd (or hitting multiple locations), consider purchasing prepared side dishes that you can swoop in with and have the crowd “ooh” and “ahh” over before you need to dash to your next engagement. Trying to cook them all yourself leads to nothing but exasperation and exhaustion.
If you’re attempting to pull off a Lorelai-and-Rory-style Thanksgiving marathon, consider letting the folks at FEED Co. Table & Tavern on Chattanooga’s Southside handle some of the cooking.
The locally owned restaurant’s Thanksgiving Take & Bake menu offers a selection of traditional sides, including macaroni and cheese, mashed potatoes, green bean casserole, stuffing and sweet potato casserole, each priced at $40 for a half-pan serving approximately 10 people. Just heat, serve and bask in the compliments before dashing off to your next feast.
Orders must be placed by Nov. 21, with drive-through pickup Nov. 25 from 1-4 p.m.
And remember: Four Thanksgiving dinners might be ambitious, but nobody said you have to eat four helpings of everything.
Lesson No. 7 – Keep games with friends friendly (How I Met Your Mother, “Slapsgiving,” 2007)
The long-running “slap bet” storyline on “How I Met Your Mother” took center stage in this season three episode, where Marshall tortured Barney with the impending delivery of a long-promised slap.
The holiday becomes an elaborate exercise in anticipation and psychological warfare, not to mention Lily’s frustration over the lack of interest in her home-cooked meal amid all the other distractions surrounding it.
The primary takeaway from the entire “slap bet” saga is this: Don’t slap your friends. Beyond that, it’s great to make room for games with your friend group, just make them of the board variety, not the “pummel them with physical violence” variety.
Thanksgiving is a fine time for friendly competition, provided nobody winds up on the receiving end of a slap. For entertainment that won’t leave a mark, consider picking up a board game from Game On Chattanooga.
This locally owned tabletop gaming shop on Lee Highway carries a variety of board games, trading card games, role-playing games and other diversions designed to bring people together rather than drive them apart.
The knowledgeable staff can help you find something suitable for your holiday gathering, whether you’re entertaining seasoned strategists or relatives who haven’t rolled dice since childhood.
Just remember: A little friendly competition is fine, but keep the slapping strictly off the table.
Lesson No. 8 – Don’t forget about the pets! (Mad About You, “Giblets for Murray,” 1994)
As with most of these shows, multiple lessons can be drawn from this season three episode of “Mad About You”: setting boundaries, standing up for oneself amid the pressure of friends and family and tradition, and so on.
The biggie? Keep an eye on the dog.
Paul and Jamie attempt to prepare Thanksgiving dinner, only to have their dog, Murray, get into the turkey. They scramble to replace the bird before their guests discover what happened.
It underscores keeping pets away from food prep areas, as well as providing them with appropriate treats and activities. It also reinforces something almost every show here hints at: Always have a backup plan.
The last thing anyone needs on Thanksgiving is a four-legged family member making off with the main course. Fortunately, Slobberbones Pet Bakery & Bath in East Brainerd offers plenty of ways to keep your pooch happily occupied.
Slobberbones specializes in fresh-baked, all-natural dog treats made with human-grade ingredients, including seasonal cookies and other goodies that might make your pup forget all about that tempting bird on the kitchen counter.
The locally owned shop also carries natural pet foods, toys and other supplies, along with self-service bathing stations and professional grooming. So, unlike Paul and Jamie, you can keep your turkey intact and your dog happily occupied. Just don’t expect Murray to settle for ordinary kibble after discovering the good stuff.
Lesson No. 9 – Popcorn is a perfectly acceptable appetizer (“A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving,” 1973)
Set aside, for a moment, the fact that almost every Charlie Brown television special from the ’60s and ’70s had an amazing soundtrack anchored by various Vince Guaraldi jazz combos. (Before you ask, of course your scribe was listening to this soundtrack while composing this piece. Draw inspiration from what’s in front of you, I say.)
Charlie Brown is a case study in pushing through life as it insists on providing one lemons. In this case, ol’ Chuck finds himself hosting an unexpected Thanksgiving gathering. With Snoopy and Woodstock’s assistance, he serves a decidedly unconventional feast of toast, popcorn, pretzels and jelly beans.
The takeaway here is that a gathering doesn’t have to be driven by elaborate preparations. Simple snacks enjoyed with friends can be festive and nostalgic. (And I’m betting more than a few of you have done this on purpose with kids, and we encourage more of the same.)
If you’re inclined to follow Charlie Brown’s lead and serve popcorn at your Thanksgiving gathering, why not give the humble snack a gourmet upgrade?
Gadzooks Gourmet Popcorn in Hixson offers an assortment of sweet and savory flavors, ranging from traditional caramel and movie theater butter to more adventurous concoctions like jalapeño cheddar, parmesan garlic and Butterfinger.
The locally owned shop also offers other sweet treats. Pick up a few varieties, add some pretzels and jelly beans, and you’ve got the makings of a feast that would make Snoopy proud. Just don’t forget to invite Woodstock.