Hamilton Herald Masthead


Front Page - Friday, February 14, 2014

Are We There Yet?

I was late getting this to my talented layout person Karen – late because I wasn’t even sure of a topic. Then I looked at the calendar and remembered there was something about the 14th day of the second month that I’m supposed to remember. Of course, it’s my son Matt’s birthday! Happy birthday big guy! We love you lots!

But there’s something else nagging at me about that date.

Oh, well, maybe it’ll come to me if I keep writing. 

I’m working on this on a Tuesday. News of the day was the passing of Shirley Temple. We should all have one in her honor, or perhaps something stronger.

I called friend Fred on the way to work. He didn’t mention Shirley Temple. What he talked about was some program he had been watching Monday night, one of those Maury Springer type shows that had this loud-talking married couple, and their poor little baby. The woman was mad because the guy said he wasn’t going to support the baby until a DNA test was done. Then he, in all sincerity, according to Fred, said to the audience, “Come on guys, we all know there isn’t one of us who doesn’t think a DNA test is necessary when our wives give birth.” 

Not sure how much support he got on that one, and Fred said the audience was viciously turning on him about the same time that his wife admitted to sleeping with hundreds of different men. 

“What do you think about that,” Fred asked me.

“I’d rather not,” I told him.

So we moved on to a more pleasant topic – the snow, or lack of it. Meteorologist smeteorologist.

Now, with it near 60 degrees, everyone says winter is behind us. I doubt it. It was April in 1984 when we got five inches of snow one Saturday. 

Then Fred told me another story, I think it was from Australia, where zookeepers took some school kids to the giraffe exhibit, where they shot a two-year old giraffe in the head and then fed it to a lion. This was Fred’s version anyway. 

“Why did they do that?” I had to know.

“They were trying to teach them about the circle of life.”

“It reminded me of a time from my early 20s,” Fred went on. “I was at a friend’s meat market, and he said, ‘Come out back; I need to kill a cow.’

“So I followed him out back and watched him walk up to this poor cow with some kind of nail or bolt gun and shoot it in the head.”

“Oh no,” I said, “what did you do?”

“I stayed by the fence and threw up.”

“I can see that. What did you think he meant when he said to come out back with him while he killed a cow?” I asked.

“I don’t really know,” Fred said.

“THAT’S IT!!!” I remembered then. I guess it was the massacre of the giraffe and the cow that reminded me that it’s Valentine’s Day. Thank God for Fred. 

So to KM, in lieu of roses, some quotes just for you:

There are millions of people in this world, but in the end, it all comes down to one.  – “Crazy/Beautiful”

“I may not be a smart man, but I know what love is.” –Forrest Gump

“Nobody puts Baby in the corner.” – “Dirty Dancing”

“It is impossible to love and be wise” – Francis Bacon

Rose: “Do you love him, Loretta?”

Loretta Castorini: “Aw, ma, I love him awful.”

Rose: “Oh, God, that’s too bad.” – “Moonstruck”

And speaking of valentine stuff, police in Maine were called out to a farm because of a domestic disturbance. But when they got there it was just the squeals from the male pig who was sharing his pen with five sows.